Does your story involve the “It’ll be different this time” theme? Are you a rescuer or a fixer?
When you see your partner suffering, do you sacrifice yourself in an unhealthy way to make sure that they feel “okay” again? Does the person you’re with bring you up or drag you down? How is the sex? Do you fake orgasms? Does the sex make you feel resentful? Is there comfortable silence in the relationship? Do you feel heard and understood? Do you feel the relationship has a strong foundation? In other words, do you feel supported? Are you on the same page with a core belief system? Is there absolute trust on both sides? Can you talk? Sounds simple, but if you can’t discuss things without it turning into a fight, there is a huge problem. Do you feel the freedom to be you? Are you see-through? Are there muddy parts of you that you hide behind? Is there a mutual admiration for one another?
Let me say this. If you are unsure of your partner’s response to any question where I’m asking you about both sides, then it’s time to really examine the nuts and bolts of your partnership.
“It’ll be different this time,” can also work in your favor. If you are willing to accept yourself, work on yourself, be yourself, and show up in a true authentic way like never before, then IT WILL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME in the best way possible.
Stacy writes, “In my current relationship, we are best friends first. Our friendship is the most important ingredient. We both know that we have to hold our own side of the relationship. Our communication is so open that, at times, it’s raw. Raw conversation can be painful, but it’s necessary for growth. Our sex is incredible most of the time, but it’s certainly not a focal point. We keep our time together completely off social media because we both know that it can create drama.”
This is her story. It doesn’t have to be your story. My point here is YOU. You must decide what works for you. You must create solid boundaries around what doesn’t work for you. You must be willing to communicate what works and doesn’t work.
Now, here is the key to this secret. Go back through the list.
Are you ready to show up differently for yourself? Are you willing to rescue yourself? Are you willing to sacrifice money on hair, nails, and skin and work on the inside of you? When you see yourself suffering, do you want to be rescued by someone else? Do you immediately look for a relationship? If you are in a relationship, do you expect your partner to participate in making you feel whole again? Do you lift yourself up, or do you have intrusive thoughts that are out of control and bring you down? How is your sexual relationship with yourself? Do you have a healthy body image? Do you feel sexy? Do you pleasure yourself in healthy ways? Can you be alone without feeling abandoned, angry, sad and/or rejected? Do you hear yourself? Do you take time to listen to how you speak about yourself and others? Are you self-deprecating? Do you shame others? Have you built a solid foundation for yourself? Do you know, to the penny, how much money is in your accounts? Do you have a Last Will and Testament? Life insurance? Is your car kept clean and maintained? Are your closets organized? Do you have a budget? Are your taxes done?
You see, so many times we avoid the basics in life while we search for “the fix.” We want things to be different, yet we operate the same. We want “clean” relationships, yet our own affairs stay out of order. We may even try to manifest a partner who has their shit together, yet our life falls short. We think, “Once I have the relationship, everything else will fall into place.” It’s not the way it works for your best and highest good.
If you’re already in a relationship, but it feels off-center, I promise if you do these things, your life will start to shift. It’s the ripple effect. You will hear me say this a lot. The water doesn’t get to decide if it will move once a pebble is thrown. It ripples with each stone. So, start throwing new stones to get a new result.
Your challenge is to do things backwards from how you’re currently doing them. Declutter. Organize your stuff. When is the last time you balance your checkbook? What automatic payments is PayPal deducting for apps each month? What does your credit card debt look like? What is your plan to pay it off?
Get a handle on your life. Promise yourself that it will be different this time and then make it happen. You’ve got this!
SHORT EXERCISE:
1. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
2. Make no effort to control your breath; simply breath naturally for 1 minute.
3. Examine yourself and your relationship with your partner, family, and friends. Ask yourself, “where am I now?”
4. Once you have answers to the question, take a deep breath --- relax. Now this time, say this to yourself: I PROMISE IT WILL BE DIFFERENT THIS TIME. I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN.